Aviation jokes (If U have one, put it here) Options

[velocityflier16]

dam glenn! your on a roll!!!
C o R y

[glnflwrs]

Yeah, I was rollin' along wasn't I.

Here's one more, kind of off season but . . .

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there.
The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" The FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

:cry: :D :lol: 8)

[Keen_NZ_Pilot_gu...]

A solo pilot in a cessna was advised to hold short of the runway for the landing 777 on short finals. When the 777 had moved clear of the runway, the pilot decided to tease the cessna pilot and radioed him saying "nice little plane, did you make it yourself?"
Not to be made a fool of the cessna pilot quickly replied "Yeah, I made it out of 777 parts, and another landing like that one I will be able to make myself a second!"

[squidie]

[quote]Q: What do you call a pregnant F/A?
A: Pilot error [/quote]

ha ha very nice

i have one but i am not too sure if it is apropriate enough for this forum, so admins............. get back to me soon :lol: [/quote]

[Crashman]

Some Boeing employees who were restoring an old B-17 in their spare time are flying it around one Sunday afternoon when the old 1942 wing spar finally gives way, causing it to break into pieces. All of the occupants are wearing parachutes and promptly hit the silk. The wings, fuselage and engines spiral down separately, and the tail section flutters like a leaf toward the ground. The Boeing mechanic riding in the B-17's tail gunner position sees that the rest of the airplane is gone and tries to bail out too, but can't because of all the mangled wreckage blocking him in. Being a resourceful mechanic, he decides to make the best of the situation and straps himself back into the seat. He reaches overhead and grabs a rudder cable, then reaches down and pulls on the cables that control the elevator. The controls check out okay, so he turns the tail around and proceeds to steer a course back for Boeing Field. All goes well and as he approaches the field he radios the tower. "Boeing Field Tower, this is the B-17's tail. The rest of the plane was destroyed by structural failure and I need clearance to make an emergency landing straight in on runway 27."

The tower responds: "Roger, B17 tail. Give me a call on five mile final."

When he is five miles out, the guy in the tail radios again: "Tower, this is the B-17 tail, five miles out on final approach. Am I cleared to land?"

The tower operator answers frantically, "Negative, B-17 tail! Do not land! Pull up and go around! There is an A340 in the pattern with one engine shut down!"

[FlyHeaven]

Heres a some:

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

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Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

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A blind pilot is flying this plane?
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit calling you
twin Cessna."

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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

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ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?"

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years..."

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"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." (scattered applause) "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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[Blackhawk]

A passenger plane is approaching one internationally renowned airport at the evening time when the sun has already sunken. The captain decides that he´s going to perform a little lark. The plane swerves to the final glide path angle, and the captain cuts all the cabin lights, beacons, strobes and stuff, rendering the aircraft lightless, asking simultaneously from the ATC operator: Guess who? Well, the ATC operator is in no mood for pranks and shuts down all the flare path lights and surrounding taxiway lights, and asks from the captain: Guess where?

[tom345]

oldie but goldie:

ATC: cessna VYF, say airspeed
VYF: airspeed
ATC: cessna VYF, say altitude
VYF: altitude
ATC: cessna VYF, say 'cancel clearance'
VYF: 130 knots IAS and 10.000ft, sir

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heard during rainstorm on Essendon ATIS:

'Melbourne Terminal Area Severe Turbulence Advise not availible due to lightning strike.'


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Q: How do you tell a 737 from a BAe 146?
A: The 737 has one APU, the BAe has 5!

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ATC: Qantas 342 do you prefer right or left base?
342: Yes
ATC: Yes..what?
342: Yes, SIR!

(all call signs are fictional, but those stories really happened!)

BTW, if you guys like aviation jokes, have a look at 'Laughter on the Wing' (fabulous funnies from australias aviation's airbands and tales columns). I don't know if you can get it outside of Australia, but it's hilarious!

[squidie]

This one cracked me up so much

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,


"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

[danh]

C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots

Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots

F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.

... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."

[Becky_KSTS]

Okay I can do this okay? My daddy is from the South...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, **I have a dirty mouth**!"

Only the states of North Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia and Florida were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

[Becky_KSTS]

....the "i have a dirty mouth" said something the effect of Oh s.....t"

[cessnapilot72]

An F-16 pilot decided to call for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he would none the less be number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah yes," the fighter pilot remarked, "Here we go with the dreaded seven-engine approach."

[av8ter]

Don’t drop the aircraft to fly the microphone.

The six P's:
Proper Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance

FAA Regulations forbid drinking within 8 feet of the aircraft and smoking within 50 hours of flight. Or is it the other way around?

An accident investigation hearing is conducted by non-flying experts who need six months to itemize all the mistakes made by a crew in the six minutes it has to do anything.

[iberworld-pilot]

ok
if a plane crashes into a boat who would be to blame?

the pilot hahah! :lol:

[bluebird121]

Student pilot:...."I'm lost-I'm over a lake and heading towards the big E".
Controller.. .."Make several 90-degree turns so i can identify you on radar".
(Short pause)
Controller: "Ok then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean.Suggest you turn to the bid W immediately".


Controller: "CRX 600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot:"More or less".
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL">


Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?"
Pilot: "Negative , Sir. It's only the same pilot".
:D :D

[galaxy]

[url=http://www.aeroforo.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=38&stc=1]" Don't drink and Fly "

[phoenixxblack]

Great jokes everyone!

Ok here's a couple i know;

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Only three phrases a F/O needs when talking to the captain:

1. Yes sir
2. You Are Right
3. I'll take the fat one


OK, this one's a bit rude:

After waiting in a VERY long line for take-off;
Pilot: "F**k I'm bored"
Tower: "aircraft, identify yourself immediately!"
Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid"

[iberworld-pilot]

i got a good one its off "lee evans" wired and wonderful live at wembley

why do the cabin crew sit facind during takeoff and landing?!?

cabin crew said: becuase is safer.
we say: well we want to sit that way as well then!!

anyway if we crash she will get a face full of me anyway! :lol:

[Becky_KSTS]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman blind was because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story....Have a great day and remember...

Things aren't always as they appear.