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 Aviation jokes (If U have one, put it here) |
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 Sep 8 2005, 04:12 PM
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Boeing 737 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 193
Joined: 3-May 05
From: Valdosta, GA
Member No.: 1,469
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There's nothing like a good laugh once in a while so I thought this would be a good idea.
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be here soon, and the flight will take off immediately after they arrive. The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle; both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin—but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”
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Sep 8 2005, 07:14 PM
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Saab 340 Member
Group: Members
Posts: 71
Joined: 20-July 05
From: Lafayette, LA
Member No.: 1,816
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FF, that is hilarious!
This is my favorite:
Passengers are just beginning to relax after an uneventful take-off, when the pilot begins to make his usual speil about cruising altitude, air speed and ETA. In mid sentence he screams, "OH MY GOD!!!" followed by a prolonged silence.
Just before the passengers begin to panic, the pilot comes back on the speaker and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the interruption. One of the flight attendants spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
One passenger yells back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Sep 8 2005, 09:10 PM
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Airbus 380 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 426
Joined: 9-October 04
From: Wallingford and West Hartford, Connecticut
Member No.: 103
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not really super avation related, but still funny
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep
wow these help on a depressing night
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Sep 10 2005, 09:14 AM
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Boeing 737 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 120
Joined: 5-September 05
Member No.: 2,061
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I'm not having a go at the Irish (half irish myself), but Paddy and Fergal are half way over the atlantic, travelling back to Dublin from New York on a 747 when the captain comes over the intercom. " Ladies and gentlemen we have lost one engine, it's not really a problem, the 747 can fly quite easily on three engines, but our arrival at Dublin will be delayed by about thirty minutes". Paddy looks at his watch and shrugs, " bye jees fergal that 'll be half an hour less in the bar tonight". An hour later the captain comes over the intercom and says," We've just lost another engine, but don't worry, the 747 can fly safely on two engines, it just means we'll be an hour late in arriving at Dublin" . Paddy turns to fergal and says," that'll be even less time in the bar tonight then," Another half hour passes and the captain comes on again and says "We have just lost the third engine, but i'm hopeful we'll make it back to Dublin Safely, though our arrival will be delayed even further" at this point Fergal turns to Paddy and says, " My god Paddy , If we loose that fourth engine we'll be up here all bleedin day" :D
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Sep 12 2005, 01:11 PM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 1,309
Joined: 24-March 05
From: Santa Rosa, California
Member No.: 1,125
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
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Sep 12 2005, 11:33 PM
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Boeing 747 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 207
Joined: 31-July 05
From: Sydney, Australia
Member No.: 1,867
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Real SR-71 Transmission (FL600=60,000ft)
Pilot: XX center, YY is requesting FL600.
ATC: Ok YY, it's clear. (Laughing) Climb and maintain FL600, if you can.
P: Roger, descending to FL600.
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Baby Planes
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have >baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you."
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Leak Check
I was dumping the the lavatory waste on a 757. It tends to be a messy job and the waste, colored blue by the disinfectant tends to run down the belly of the aircraft.
While doing his walk around, the pilot scoops some up on his finger and does the "Taste Test".
He turns to me and asks,"Is the aircraft leaking hydraulic fluid?"
Choking back laughter and nausea, I replied "No". and without another word he continued on his inspection.
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Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?" Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
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NEWS FLASH!
North Carolina's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Duke students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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Funny 1
Funny 2
Funny 3
Funny 4
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Sep 13 2005, 12:02 AM
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Boeing 737 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 143
Joined: 4-September 05
Member No.: 2,054
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QUOTE(jet4minette) "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews......
That is by far THE funniest thing I have read in quite a long time!
Thanks for sharing.
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Sep 13 2005, 02:43 AM
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Boeing 737 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 193
Joined: 3-May 05
From: Valdosta, GA
Member No.: 1,469
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QUOTE(.:Me:.) FF thats a gud one, nice. whered u get it from?
I don't remember where I originally got it from. It was in an e-mail or at another web site.
There are some good ones here. I've seen some of them before but they are still funny.
yaarpanjabi - That SR-71 joke is good one. :lol: Some of those pics are wrong but funny.
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Oct 6 2005, 07:43 AM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: FL350 CREW
Posts: 2,846
Joined: 5-June 05
From: Hesperia, CA USA (L26)
Member No.: 1,610
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Glossary of aviation terms:
Emergency generator - device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.
Landing light - preferable to landing heavy.
Bank - owners of mortgage on aircraft.
Walkaround - procedure when waiting for better weather.
Briefing - spending a long time saying nothing.
De-briefing - spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it.
 :lol: :D  8)
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Oct 6 2005, 07:46 AM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: FL350 CREW
Posts: 2,846
Joined: 5-June 05
From: Hesperia, CA USA (L26)
Member No.: 1,610
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You are probably a “Redneck Pilot” if ...
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
You think GPS stands for 'going perfectly straight'.
You refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
There is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.
Your dog rides with his head out the window.
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Oct 6 2005, 07:49 AM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: FL350 CREW
Posts: 2,846
Joined: 5-June 05
From: Hesperia, CA USA (L26)
Member No.: 1,610
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COCKPIT RULES
The PILOT always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change at anytime without prior notification.
No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the Pilot suspects the that the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES, he must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
The PILOT is never wrong.
If the PILOT is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the CO-PILOT did or said wrong.
The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for causing a misunderstanding.
The Pilot may change his mind at any time.
The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the Pilot.
The PILOT has every right to be angry and/or upset at any time.
The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless the PILOT wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all times.
The PILOT is ready when he is ready. The CO-Pilot must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
A CO-PILOT who doesn’t abide by THE RULES is grounded.
:lol: :D
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Oct 6 2005, 07:55 AM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: FL350 CREW
Posts: 2,846
Joined: 5-June 05
From: Hesperia, CA USA (L26)
Member No.: 1,610
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Aviation Politics
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.”
No offense meant to any of either party, it's just a joke.
8)
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Oct 6 2005, 07:59 AM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: FL350 CREW
Posts: 2,846
Joined: 5-June 05
From: Hesperia, CA USA (L26)
Member No.: 1,610
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AVIATION TRUISMS
-A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.
-A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
-Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.
-An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
-Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"
-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business.
-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.
-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.
-It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
-If God would have meant for man to fly He would have given him more money.
-Maintain thy airspeed lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
 8)
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