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 Qantas has a sense of humour!!!!! |
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 Sep 6 2005, 11:14 AM
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Cessna 152 Member
Group: Members
Posts: 37
Joined: 24-July 05
From: london.england
Member No.: 1,830
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I found this and thought I would share it with the people here,
Anyway, after each flight, the pilot fills out a form that says what faults have occurred during the flight, which the mechanics can look at and fix the problems if needed.
The mechanics then fills out on the area at the bottom part of the form, telling what they have done with the problem. The pilot then reads the report before the next flight. You can’t say that the ground crew and mechanics don’t have a sense of humour, to say the least.
Here are some actual registered complaints over lack of maintenance and problems, which Qantas’ pilots have submitted, as well as what solutions the maintenance [personnel] have noted.
P: Problem noted by the pilot.
S: Solution noted by the mechanic.
Quote:
P: Innermost wheel on left side almost needs to be changed.
S: Almost changed the innermost wheel on the left side.
P: Test-flight went OK, except the autolanding was alittle rough.
S: There is no autolanding system installed on this aircraft ...
P: Propeller #2 does not receive enough lubricant.
S: Supply to propeller #2 is normal.
Supply to propeller #1, 3, and 4 is out of order!
P: Something in the cockpit is lose.
S: Something in the cockpit has been fastened.
P: Dead bugs on the windscreen.
S: Live bugs are in requisition.
P: Autopilot creates a drop of 200 feet when the airceiling level is punched in.
S: Cannot recreate problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on the right landing gear.
S: Evidence removed!
P: The sound level on the communication system is unbelievable loud.
S: The sound level have been changed to a more believable level.
P: The throttle lock makes the throttle lock.
S: Well, that’s kinda the reason why it’s there for.
P: The radio is out of order.
S: The radio is always out of order, when the switch is in the OFF position.
P: I have a feeling there’s a crack in the windscreen.
S: I have a feeling you are right!
P: Missing engine #3.
S: Engine found on the right wing after some search effort...
P: The plane behaves funny.
S: The plane has been instructed to pull itself together, fly properly, and to be abit more serious!
P: The radar is growling.
S: The radar has been reconfigured to speech.
P: Mouse in the cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
hope you enjoy'd that half as much as i did...lol :lol:
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Sep 6 2005, 12:34 PM
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Space Shuttle Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 1,302
Joined: 24-April 05
From: 40N Lattitude 100W Longitude +/- 10 deg :)
Member No.: 1,387
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LOL, that was great man, I enjoyed them all especially the one about the missing engine  . Is there any evidence of these write ups...
P: Difficulty breathing in cockpit
S: Posted signs "do not fart"
P: Airplane makes funny sound when started
S: What do you expect, you turned it on.
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Sep 8 2005, 07:34 AM
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Cessna 152 Member
Group: Members
Posts: 37
Joined: 24-July 05
From: london.england
Member No.: 1,830
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here's some more...i hope and applolgise if they've been posted before..........Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Sep 9 2005, 03:51 AM
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Boeing 737 Member
Group: Full Access Members
Posts: 127
Joined: 31-March 05
From: Netherlands
Member No.: 1,191
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I'm not sure if this really happened or if it's an urban legend, but here's the story:
An F-16 pilot was supposed to do a flyby demo for some military bigshot, but somehow he manages to miss the airbase he flies out of every day by several miles. Thoroughly embarrassed, he asks the mechanics to come up with a technical explanation for it, and so they did. It was duly noted in the maintenance books as a "stick-to-seat interface failure." 
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