Blonde Jokes Options

[charliepapa]

One I recently heard:

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."



If you have any of your own, feel free to contribute them. Nothing too crude mind.

[USAirways737]

haha. I heard the version where they were talking about Marines on that one instead.

Jordan

[c150student]

Ok, heres some:

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!?' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'


Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
She got cold and turned off the fan


What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted



What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant


How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
Shine a torch in their ear.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair red?
Artificial Intelligence.

Why should blondes never be given coffee breaks?
Coz it takes too long to retrain them.

How did the blonde break her leg while raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

How did the blonde try and kill the fish?
She tried to drown it.

How did the blonde try to kill the worm?
She buried it.

Whats the difference between bigfoot and a clever blonde?
Bigfoot has been sighted!

How will they do for starters?

[klm_city_hopper]

Rowing Your Boat


Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[glnflwrs]

What do you get if you stand five blonds shoulder to shoulder?

A windtunnel.


A blonde returns a box of Pampers to the store for a refund. The clerk asks "What was wrong with them?"

The blonde replies, "They don't hold all the baby's poop."

The clerk asks, "How much poop do you think they should hold?"

The blonde points to the box where it says, "Good for up to 12 lbs"

[TWA727]

*shifty eyes* damn blonde jokes. But hey, I can laugh at myself, right?

How do you kill a blonde?




Scratch & Sniff at the bottom of the pool.

[Chef Keith]

*shifty eyes* damn blonde jokes. But hey, I can laugh at myself, right?

How do you kill a blonde?
Scratch & Sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why can't blonde's dial 911?
They can't find the 11 key...

[chris_pilot]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a b*tch called back."

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.
"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."


No offence to all blondes out there... especially to the ones that would kill me at school....

[glnflwrs]

Did you hear about the blonde who...

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wont fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wont fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were cheating by using their arms.

[dmd747]

Oh I needed that laugh!!! You can't beat a good belly laugh like the one I'm having right now. Nice finds guys...

[wc12390]

OMG ROFLMAO...
i can't stop lauging at the jokes...
i don't have one right now but will post when i do!

[bernoulli]

I posted this earlier, but I can't find it anywhere, so I'll do this from memory.

A blonde was sitting in an audience watching the performance of a ventriloquist "who's dummy" was telling some very unflattering blonde jokes. At some point she became boiling mad and stood up because she just couldn't take it any more.

She yelled:

"THAT'S ENOUGH"!!! I am SO tired of this stereotypical portrayal of BLONDES! Haven't you noticed by now that we are also doctors, lawyers, teachers, businesswomen, politicians and even astronauts??? And BY THE WAY Einstein, just WHAT relevance do you attribute the DNA/intelligence link based on HAIR COLOR, YOU MORON!?

The rest of the crowd sat in stunned silence as the ventriloquist (at a sudden loss for words) attempted to stammer out an apology and to claim that it was all just meant in fun, to which she screamed back:

"I'm not TALKING to you, I'm talking to that little bastard sitting in YOUR LAP"!!!!

[charliepapa]

HAHAHA! Good one Bern..

By the way, i'm a blonde too, but don't worry TWA, it's only the women that are affected

[karlhurst_380]

I used to be completely blonde about three years ago, as I've grown, my hairs almost black.

[TWA727]

HAHAHA! Good one Bern..

By the way, i'm a blonde too, but don't worry TWA, it's only the women that are affected

You may think that.....but sometimes I begin to wander.....

[wc12390]

You may think that.....but sometimes I begin to wander.....

something funny to tell
a classmate of mine whos from kent england....
had black hair... and went to dye it blonde...
and from time to time she really acted like a blonde... some jokes that appeared on here.. sorta happened to her at some pont...
it was quite funny though...
her boyfriend would also joke with her...

(not to offend the blonds on here)

[klm_city_hopper]

As mentioned the dumbness only effects the females.Not all of them actually,One of my friends is blonde and she is *perfectly* intelligent! And it does effect males in rare cases, a boy in my class last year could not locate wales on a map of the United Kingdom!

Well here's one more for you guys: EDIT: Make that three!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?

A: Drowns It.

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[klm_city_hopper]

I was playing tennis with my mate (she is blonde) I dunno about stupid but they can't half scream!

[Chef Keith]

I was playing tennis with my mate (she is blonde) I dunno about stupid but they can't half scream!

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

[Chef Keith]

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Did you hear about the perfectly fit blonde who went to the store for groceries? In the cracker aisle , she said to the clerk, " the product on the shelf is wrong. Can you see if out back you have any boxes of Wheat Thicks?"